Pussycat Flu!

I suppose the "big news" this week is that I had half the week off work with the flu... and I'll kill that Tony King next time I see him! What kind of twat comes into work with the flu fully admitting they 'should be in bed'?!! I still haven't completely got rid of the bloody thing now a week later!
I could've passed it onto John (thankfully, it looks like I haven't... yet!) and he really doesn't want the bleedin' flu on top of his other problems!
I also had to cancel my "face burning" session because my laserist was afraid of passing on my germs to her sickly dad. Right blinkin' pain this has turned out to be!!
So, having a few days with more time on my hands than I knew what to do with, I decided to start work on my autobiography. So far I've covered birth to starting senior school.
The main problem I've had, other than trying to remember my life, is worrying about stepping on other people's toes. Obviously I've not lived my life in solitary confinement so my life story does feature other people and who knows whether they'll like me 'telling all'??
The other thing I've done is cobble together my latest Best Of selection. This week it's The Best Of... Robbie Williams. Yes, I've finally done it and come out as a Robbie fan! Who knows what damage this could do to my street cred!! Lol! Click here to listen: http://www.we7.com/user/view-playlist?playlistId=1439977&m=0
I didn't get all excited about his reunion with Take That though. I've never liked them and really can't see what the fuss is about - certainly not to the extent of crashing the website in search of a concert ticket!

Thankfully, I felt well enough to go out last night and join the girls at the local carvery for supper. Sadly, John didn't feel 'with it' enough to join me this time. :-( But on a more positive, and fun, note it being Halloween I decided to dress up (see pic) and I think I looked fab even if I do say so myself! :-)
We also entered the quiz again... and won again... and this time we didn't even cheat! :-)
Then Gillian got roped into playing pool with some fella. With him being three sheets to the wind, I decided to go and keep tabs on them just in case. You never know what people will get up to when their inhibitions are lowered!
Then today John and I did the grocery shopping and so John tried out his mobility scooter again. He's decided that he's gonna try and build ramps for getting it in and out of the boot cos it's too heavy to manage by himself in his current condition. And he's also applying for a Blue Badge. I've never seen him so excited! You'd think he'd had a lottery win! Lol!
And that's it. Back to work tomorrow... yay!

Hi Ho! Hi Ho!

Twas off to work I went this week.
My week of doing nowt came to an end and it was back to doing nowt for money! I even have to do my full hours now so I spend even more time finding things to do to occupy my time! I can't play cards now neither - you never know which big wig's gonna walk by! - so I truly am lost for things to do! Oh well, shouldn't really sniff at £16k for doing so little I suppose!
The only interesting thing that happened at work last week was when I ventured across to Morrison's (which is just next door to work) to have a look-see. Twas just the same as any other Morrison's (what was I expecting?!!) but I had fun on the way back when my card wouldn't let me back through the turnstile into work! So I had to get flapper Mike to come 'rescue' me! And that truly was the most interesting thing that happened at work last week!

However, yesterday was more fun when Jayne took Gillian and I to Transforum. We started off though at Samsi (the Japanese restaurant we went to a fortnight ago - see photo) for lunch where Jennifer joined us. We then had a wander across to Maplin for whatever it was that Jennifer wanted and then popped next door to Nero's (I think!) for a coffee. I had a Chai Latte which was sweet tea with cinnamon and mixed spice and lots of frothy milk. It was nice but I'd only want it in moderation - not the great big mug full I had yesterday! T'always the same with these fashionable coffee shops - even the smallest cup's a great big mug full!!
After we'd sufficiently recomposed ourselves we then went to Transforum where the planned program was a discussion on "passing" (the art of looking female convincingly) and then one on hate crime. However, we got so in depth in the discussion on "passing" that the discussion on hate crime got bumped!
It was also great to see Jenny-Anne there - even so soon after her reassignment surgery! And she was so happy and content too! It was fabulous to see her so! :-)

After Transforum we went for the usual meal to Shang Hi and then finished off in Via for a drink. (See pic) Sadly, that's where I started to wilt. I'd made a mistake in  the first place ordering half a cider - which I really wasn't enjoying (and only drank about half of because of it) - but then the music really got to me. I just find that when music's that loud that it makes it a very isolating experience for me because I can't hear anyone else speak... and can't even hear myself think!... and I really don't enjoy it. It's fine if it's a club and you're there to dance but, when you're there to socialise, it is truly the last thing I want!
So we called it a night round about midnight I think it was and then Jayne graciously gave me a lift home and I was in bed for about 1am I  think.
And now I'm VERY tired!
Which is a real pain because we're meant to be getting the groceries for the week sometime today and I just want to go back to sleep!
Ah well, such is life!

P.S. This week's playlist is The Best Of The Banned. And it's link is: http://www.we7.com/user/view-playlist?playlistId=1431106&m=0

R n R (But No Sex Or Drugs)

So this week has been a nice rest for me, having the week off work. This morning, for example, I didn't get up until gone 9am! A rarity for me! So, anyway, having caught up on some much needed rest and recreation, I'm back to work again tomorrow! I'm gonna have to look at taking longer holidays next year!
The reason why I'd kept them to only a week's length in the first place was because going back to work was so difficult because it used to mean I had to go back as "Tim" but, now I live full-time as Claire, that problem doesn't exist any more!
So what've I done on my week-off? ...Next to nothing! All that lovely sunshine we've had and I've seen scarcely half an hour of it! Lol!
I have however worked on my 'zines and got them finished (see photo).

And I've also delved back into Logic again (after many months abstinence) and have already bashed out two songs - my versions of Gilbert O'Sullivan's Claire and Burt Bacharach's Arthur's Theme. The working title for the album they may appear on is Uneasy Listening.
I also worked on this week's playlist - The Best Of Bob - which can be listened to via this link: http://www.we7.com/#/user/view-playlist!playlistId=1421810&m=fb
I also looked into how I'm going to make myself employable and found a few job fairs of interest ...which all clash with work commitments! So  I've not really made as much progress as I would've liked with that.
I was hoping for a career change - as newspapers is a fast dying trade - but I think I may have to moderate my ambitions somewhat and look for something involving proof reading outside of newspapers. Which still means I'm likely to be in the printing trade which isn't much more reliable than newspapers! That is if I can find an employer open minded enough to take on a trans female!
In that regard, this week I also wrote off to my GP asking for speech therapy and deportment lessons. Yup, I know what I said in August! But it really has begun to bug me and I would really like it sorted!

Last night John and I joined some of my friends and their partners for a meal at our local pub. (see photo) I didn't choose the pub by the way - it was coincidence that whoever chose it chose the one just around the corner from here. Anyway, the meal was very nice and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. Especially the quiz which we joined in with after the meal! Which we also won! But we did cheat as Gillian and Jennifer were looking up the answers on their internet phones! The prize was a free round of drinks so we were well pleased with that! :-)
Sadly though, John was beginning to wilt and was due his meds so we had to call it a night shortly after.
On the subject of John - he's still not in good shape and he's beginning to relapse as well now that they're weening him off his steroids. He did tell the doctors that but he might as well have told them he was dead for all they cared! I find their attitude very upsetting to be honest. He's been buggered about left, right and centre and no one seems to give a damn!
He was meant to be an out patient but that's not materialised! He was meant to have oxygen to take home but that didn't materialise either! They don't seem to know what they're doing with the sample they took from him months ago! They don't seem to know when or if they're gonna do a biopsy! They just seem totally incompetent to me!!
For goodness sake, his blood pressure was 73 when he got home from the pub last night! How can that be good for any one! The NHS is a total farce!!
So I'm not happy!
And thus concludes today's sermon. Amen.

On The Up

So the last week or so has been largely positive.
First off I went to a support group in Waterloo (Merseyside) with my good friends Jay and Gillian. Which didn't turn out to be terribly useful to me as it was too Liverpool centric. But the people there were lovely and it was great to meet Vikki-Marie properly after only really knowing her through Facebook. And I also met the much talked about Renatta (Sp?) - a lovely vicar who doesn't force religion down your throat - who is quite shockingly trendy, calling everyone "babes" and stuff. She could be the thin version of the Vicar Of Dibley in many respects! Lol!

Then afterwards four of us went for a lovely meal at the chinese restaurant next door. (See pic left) Sadly, that is when I started to space out again and started causing people concern. I just have so much stuff on my mind that I can't help it! It's an unfortunate habit that I disconnect from what is going around me and drift off in my own thoughts. I don't mean to be anti-social.
One of the things that was featuring largely in my thoughts was the meeting I had on Wednesday with the 'loony inspector' - a Dr Ash, who's reputation is for being rather obstructive. Certainly, for someone who is the trans expert in Lancs, I found him surprisingly uncomfortable in the presence of a trans person (me). But I couldn't help feeling motherly towards him and wanted to comfort the poor chap who was obviously in some distress with his stammer getting really quite pronounced at times!
Anyway, if I were to interpret how his mind worked on Wednesday, I would say he took one look at me and thought "Yep, you're in" ("in" being a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic) and then set about confirming a few facts about me. Sadly, he wasn't going to nail his colours to the mast at that time but he gave me a strong indication that he was gonna refer me to Charing Cross which, if it comes to fruition, will mean trips down to London to get the specialist help I need.
Yes, London!
The state of care for trans people in this country is such that there are very few Gender Identity Clinics in the country; and Lancashire, and even Greater Manchester, do not have one at all! So Lancashire Primary Care Trust have an agreement with Charing Cross all the way down in London to send their trans people there!
There are GICs in Sheffield and Leeds but Lancs PCT would have to justify sending me there which could complicate things. Besides Leeds don't have a very good reputation and Sheffield see very few at all! There is also another one in Nottingham but Lancs PCT have no arrangement with them at all!
However, I have nothing in writing yet so will just have to wait and bide my time. However, given Dr Ash's reputation, I shall be reminding him at the end of the month if nothing's come through before then.
Anyway, the upshot of my meeting on Wednesday was that I left feeling a lot more positive about myself. I have a very good indication that I'm not a loony and that my feelings about myself are real. This has given me a lot of confidence - even without having it in writing!
Um... I suppose a recap of a few other things is due here of how my confidence has been building...
A bit more than a week ago I visited a hair salon for the very first time as Claire. Now some trans folk have told horror stories about visits to hairdressers and so I was quite a bit nervous but, as things turned out, I had nothing to worry about. I was met with nothing but friendliness.
I've also been visiting a nail salon in town to try and sort my nails out. Sadly, the acrylic overlays I had done (which were done to try and rectify a mess another salon had made of them) were not to my liking so I had them removed and now my nails are as weak as they've ever been and constantly break! So they're now as short as they've ever been since I was a serial nail biter! Anyway, all that is largely beside the point because the benefit I've got out from visiting the nail salon is yet more interaction with the real world where, if you believe some trans folk, I should've been eaten alive(!) but in fact I've been met with nothing but friendliness and treated just like any other customer. Which has done wonders for my confidence - I AM NORMAL! You don't get that from visiting specialist trans businesses. Specialists don't deal in normality. Their whole reason for existence is to cater to exclusivity.
Another reason for my self-confidence improving is from living full-time as Claire. Doing so has enabled me to realise even more about myself. Such as I'm still treating certain items of clothing as taboo and I'm still repressing myself. This is just silly!
So a change of mind has occurred where I'm thinking "The last thing I want to do is give any illusions that I'm male" so I've been wearing more classically female clothing rather than sticking with the tomboy image before I transitioned. I really don't want to be wearing a shirt and trousers any more! Unfortunately, I don't have a lot in the way of dresses and so, without a lot in the way of funds, I've been wearing stuff that may not be wholly appropriate (like the 'little black dress' I wore to TREC (Trans Resource and Empowerment Centre) yesterday) but it's a whole lot better than jeans and a shirt!
So my confidence has been improving quietly but surely since I transitioned in August.
I still shock myself when I think how far I've come. You can possibly imagine the trauma I've been through to get where I am today. The times I came home from work in tears because I was so distraught with my situation! Well, I can safely say that it's all been worth it because I'm the happiest I've ever been. It might have been more obvious to others but even I've noticed I'm laughing a whole lot more! And I can't remember the last time someone told me to cheer up and stop looking so miserable - something that was quite a regular occurrence before!
So, anyway, where were we?
Ah, yes! My week so far...
So after my meeting with the 'loony inspector' I was feeling a lot more positive about life.
Then yesterday I went to TREC where I briefly joined in with the Arts & Crafts Workshop and then went over to the Gaydio studios in the afternoon.
I was a bit disappointed with the Arts & Crafts Workshop as I'd been hoping to get a bit of instruction in something I hadn't perhaps done before. But the only instruction I got was to draw something I'd enjoyed doing at TREC (which was Penny's Beauty Workshop and Making Friends) - something which I could easily have done at home if I'd been so inclined! So I didn't stick with that very long and joined Jay and Jennifer for lunch at the Japanese restaurant we went to for Sparkle. The food was lovely again. I had a mixed tempura obento which is a selection of seafood and veg fried in tempura batter and served with noodles, rice and salad. Delish! (See pic below)

Then we returned to TREC for the visit to the Gaydio studios where we were shown how the mixing desk and software-loading-program-thingy work! Which just made me want to be a DJ even more than I did already! :-)
After that about seven of us went to the Shang Hi restaurant as usual where we had the usual delicious all-you-can-eat buffet and Jennifer and Gillian signed their deed polls which brought back memories of when I signed mine and I can only hope they were as happy as I was. They certainly looked it at any rate! :-)
And that about concludes my news for now.
I'm on holiday this next week so can relax and catch up on some much needed sleep! :-)

I Will Survive

Here is a YouTube video that struck a chord with me...

In my story it wasn't a bridge and it wasn't because I knew I was gay. It was the roof of a tower block and it was because I was being bullied at school for being different. I didn't jump because I just couldn't cause the pain I knew I would inevitably do so to my parents and my brother. My love for them saved my life.
And my love for my husband and my family still continue to save my life. Without them I would quite literally be dead! And good riddance to me! Because I just wouldn't want to be that person.
But I can't pretend that all is sweetness and light. My love for my husband and family is also what makes life difficult - unbearably so at times! If I didn't love them so very much I could march through life without a care. But I don't want to be an uncaring person. And I don't believe I can be an uncaring person!
So I'm faced with impossible choices where on one hand I can do what I believe will make my life better. But also, at the same time, I don't see how causing pain to the people I love (by making those decisions) is making my life better!
So faced with impossible choices I still keep open that other option I declined more than 2 decades ago - that of the final solution, suicide.
However, I don't believe I ever will take that route for the same reason as I declined it all those years ago - I can't cause that amount of pain to the people I love.
So I continue to struggle with these impossible choices and eventually something usually gives and I make another step forward in my journey through life.
...but I wish it was easier!
...but knowing the reasons why it is so hard, I can accept why it isn't.
...but I still wish it was easier!