Of late I've been rather down in the dumps. I seem to have put my foot in it a lot lately and provoked some very negative reactions towards me. But what's really got me down is the speech therapy I've been having.
I'd put this down to it making me sound like a bloke when I wanted to sound like a female. But I've realised it's more profound than that. It's the fact that I'm having to learn to be female.
The fact that I'm having to learn to be female is like having a finger jabbed at me with someone taunting, "Ha! You're not really a female at all! You're having to learn to be female!" and then my gremlin (remember him?) chimes in "So you're clearly a bloke then! Why not give it up and be who you really are - a bloke!"... which gets me very down... to the point of thinking of giving up... on everything.
But then I remember I have a husband. Who I love dearly. And I realise I can't give up on him as well as me. So I pick myself up again and look in the mirror just to see if I really can give it up and be a bloke. And everytime it's the same - I want to be female.
So I've been battering myself from pillar to post.
I hate being reminded of my maleness... which, unbelievably, makes me want to give up trying to be female... which makes me want to give up on everything... which makes me re-evaluate things... which makes me try again... which brings me full circle and being reminded of my maleness.
I need to break this circle. I need to be rid of this sadness in my life.
But I think I'm a long way off not being reminded of my maleness any more.
