Of late I've been rather down in the dumps. I seem to have put my foot in it a lot lately and provoked some very negative reactions towards me. But what's really got me down is the speech therapy I've been having.
I'd put this down to it making me sound like a bloke when I wanted to sound like a female. But I've realised it's more profound than that. It's the fact that I'm having to learn to be female.
The fact that I'm having to learn to be female is like having a finger jabbed at me with someone taunting, "Ha! You're not really a female at all! You're having to learn to be female!" and then my gremlin (remember him?) chimes in "So you're clearly a bloke then! Why not give it up and be who you really are - a bloke!"... which gets me very down... to the point of thinking of giving up... on everything.
But then I remember I have a husband. Who I love dearly. And I realise I can't give up on him as well as me. So I pick myself up again and look in the mirror just to see if I really can give it up and be a bloke. And everytime it's the same - I want to be female.
So I've been battering myself from pillar to post.
I hate being reminded of my maleness... which, unbelievably, makes me want to give up trying to be female... which makes me want to give up on everything... which makes me re-evaluate things... which makes me try again... which brings me full circle and being reminded of my maleness.
I need to break this circle. I need to be rid of this sadness in my life.
But I think I'm a long way off not being reminded of my maleness any more.
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Monday, 10 January 2011
New Year
Quite a bit has happened recently so I feel the need to document it before I forget all about it...
Parents
With the snow making travel impossible for them over Christmas, my parents arrived on Wednesday to celebrate a belated Christmas with us.
Things got off to a very nice start when my parents presented me with a necklace once owned by great grandma Jenny (who my middle name is taken from) and some photos so I knew what she looked like. I was very touched by this gesture. Thanks mum and dad! xxx
Then, having missed the first day of Christmas, we swapped pressies on the last day of Christmas - Thursday (which, apparently, is a Spanish tradition). I got some perfume, a M&S token, and lots of stocking fillers. John got stocking fillers plus some Thornton's chocolates and a Sainsbury's token.
My parents also accompanied me to my laser session on Friday but only so they could have a look around Bury for old times sake! On the way there it started snowing and I had visions of us having to spend the weekend in Bury - which would've been just typical considering the trouble the snow had already caused us! - but it soon passed and we were able to return home to the safe and warm. :-)
Then yesterday we had our Christmas dinner - roast venison in a wine and redcurrant sauce with veg (sprouts obligatory of course!) and Christmas pud and rum sauce to follow. It was absolutely scrummy and well worth the two week wait... even though I had to cook it all myself! (With John's supervision)
They've returned home today, though, and I had to go to work before they were up so we said our farewells last night. Ah well, it was fun whilst it lasted!
TREC
On Saturday I was given a lift to TREC by my good friend, Jayne. Things seem to be very up in the air with TREC at the moment and I think it's beginning to have a knock-on effect as only a handful of us were there on Saturday.
The schedule wasn't entirely inspiring either so I only really fancied the music group and, here again, the 'leader' of the group was only given two days notice so she wasn't really able to prepare properly. However, she did an admirable job I think as I enjoyed it quite a bit. For the lesson itself, we stuck to the basics and just got used to making music together and being in time with the beat. It's the first time I've ever done anything like that - despite all the music I've made on the computer - so I found it very valuable. And the silliness of the session also made it good fun! :-)
However, neither Jayne nor I fancied anything on the afternoon schedule so we went shopping. First stop though was Wagamama (a Japanese restaurant) for lunch. I had chicken raman (I think it's called!) which was chicken and noodles in a soup base and Jayne ordered some duck pastries and crispy prawns (the proper names escape me!) as sides. It was all very delicious! I was also able to practice my chopstick skills some more and I think I'm beginning to get the hang of them now! :-)
Then we went shopping and made our way through the Arndale taking in M&S, River Island and New Look (amongst others) before finding it too stuffy and making our way out to the high street for some fresh air... where we took in H&M, Schuh and Primark (amongst even more!). I had to give up on looking for a new jacket though as I couldn't find a size big enough to go around my middle... and when even a size 20 doesn't fit then it really is time to give up!
After that we retired to Taurus for a drink and supper - chicken in a basket for me, chicken piri piri sarnie for Jayne - and then around to Via for another drink before calling it a night.
On arriving home, Jayne popped in for a coffee (note to self: must learn social norms in regard to inviting people in for coffee!) and then my parents arrived back from a day visiting my aunt and so we all had a jolly good chin wag before Jayne returned home.
So, all in all, it was another jolly good day out! :-)
Transition
I think, on the whole, my transition has been progressing well. There are, though, some difficulties and these are they...
I've found I'm being accepted as female (i.e. not as a 'tranny') more and more these days. The first notable one was when I went to pay at the car park in town and the second was when I paid the toll for the Mersey tunnel.
Being me, I looked for reasons as to why this might've happened and, as both the car park and tunnel attendants were in kiosks, I put it down to the fact that they couldn't see properly because of the kiosk! But then I was paying for the groceries at the supermarket and the assistant there accepted me as female and then another time at the checkouts the person behind accepted me as female and even called me "flower"! It quite made my day (on all occasions) but now I find I'm terrified of prolonging contact afterwards for fear they suddenly go "Oh, crap! You're a bloke!". It's my problem obviously but as to what I do to get over it, hmmm... it might take some time!
Another fly in the ointment is my name - or, rather, being called the wrong name and/or gender. I'm not gonna berate anyone for not trying - because they do try! - but people get it wrong too often for my liking. It's not deliberate, so for that I should be grateful, but it is depressing when you're trying to transition to have the rug regularly pulled out from under you by people getting it wrong.
Then there is the subject of my voice and "deportment". This is a big hindrance to my confidence and a factor in my fear of conversation with the public (particularly when they're being nice to me!). As much as I might think I am female and look like a female, what comes out my mouth aint female! And 'body language' is another factor. It's a lot to relearn so that I fit in and don't feel so blokey. Thankfully, though, I shall begin lessons in these subjects as of next week courtesy of the NHS (one of the few decent things I've got out of them recently!) so maybe I'll start to improve and not feel like a turd on the carpet.
The biggest hindrance to my transition, though, is my referral to a GIC. This has been because of the incompetence of the doctor handling my case and so I was forced to make a complaint before Christmas. Thankfully, it had the desired effect and the doctor has taken his finger out his bottom and actually made a start on the paperwork. However, I am still in his hands and the referral has, as far as I'm aware, yet to happen. Thusly, I shall be chasing this again now that people should be back at work after the Christmas break and I'll hopefully get the help I need.
Gremlins
Thanks to a recommendation from a Facebook friend, the book I am currently reading is called Taming Your Gremlin. It's about how to tame that inner voice - the gremlin - that constantly tells us how crap we are and makes us feel miserable and useless. I've not read very much of it so far, and I'm having to take it slowly so that I absorb it properly, but already I can feel it helping and now, when I feel my gremlin getting at me, I say to myself "Hello Gremlin!" and, even if it does sound daft, it does help. :-)
The book also suggests personalising your gremlin and I envision mine to look like a miniature version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but with a personality of a drill instructor on and on at me all the time! Totally relentless!! I also believe it to be totally paranoid and maxed out on caffeine so that it's constantly telling me to wake up and be alert and not miss a single beat that is happening anywhere! Which could explain why I have such difficulty concentrating on just one thing - especially if it's people talking - and why I find doing nothing almost impossible! I become distracted very easily. And it could also explain why I'm always tired (though the hours I work might also have something to do with that!).
Fortunately, the book has given me a couple of techniques on how to 'centre' myself so that I'm in the here and now which has also made me realise that I don't think I've been in the here and now for a very long time! It really does feel like a very new experience for me! I've been able to enjoy some simple pleasures such as feeling my fingers or hearing just the one conversation. Doing so has brought new feelings of relaxation and joy to me which can only be a good thing!
But I'll tell you the best thing - in just four chapters I've realised the following truth...
I always knew I didn't care too much for people's opinions and that is why I was able to transition with a certain amount of lack of concern. But, sadly, the overriding emotion was a negative one. It wasn't because I liked myself no matter what anyone else thought - it was because I didn't like myself regardless of what anyone else thought! So if someone liked me, I would overrule them! I didn't believe I was someone to be liked!
So I ended up asking myself the following question:
"What is there to dislike?"
And my gremlin popped in with the response "Because you're useless!" but, because of what I'd read in the book, I was able to recognise this for what it was - a total lie! I am not useless!
And so my honest, heartfelt, answer to the question (after weeding out the gremlin's interference) "What is there to dislike?" is...
"I don't know. I'm not sure there is anything to really dislike."
Not a bad note to end on, don't you think? ;-)
Parents
With the snow making travel impossible for them over Christmas, my parents arrived on Wednesday to celebrate a belated Christmas with us.
Things got off to a very nice start when my parents presented me with a necklace once owned by great grandma Jenny (who my middle name is taken from) and some photos so I knew what she looked like. I was very touched by this gesture. Thanks mum and dad! xxx
Then, having missed the first day of Christmas, we swapped pressies on the last day of Christmas - Thursday (which, apparently, is a Spanish tradition). I got some perfume, a M&S token, and lots of stocking fillers. John got stocking fillers plus some Thornton's chocolates and a Sainsbury's token.
My parents also accompanied me to my laser session on Friday but only so they could have a look around Bury for old times sake! On the way there it started snowing and I had visions of us having to spend the weekend in Bury - which would've been just typical considering the trouble the snow had already caused us! - but it soon passed and we were able to return home to the safe and warm. :-)
Then yesterday we had our Christmas dinner - roast venison in a wine and redcurrant sauce with veg (sprouts obligatory of course!) and Christmas pud and rum sauce to follow. It was absolutely scrummy and well worth the two week wait... even though I had to cook it all myself! (With John's supervision)
They've returned home today, though, and I had to go to work before they were up so we said our farewells last night. Ah well, it was fun whilst it lasted!
TREC
On Saturday I was given a lift to TREC by my good friend, Jayne. Things seem to be very up in the air with TREC at the moment and I think it's beginning to have a knock-on effect as only a handful of us were there on Saturday.
The schedule wasn't entirely inspiring either so I only really fancied the music group and, here again, the 'leader' of the group was only given two days notice so she wasn't really able to prepare properly. However, she did an admirable job I think as I enjoyed it quite a bit. For the lesson itself, we stuck to the basics and just got used to making music together and being in time with the beat. It's the first time I've ever done anything like that - despite all the music I've made on the computer - so I found it very valuable. And the silliness of the session also made it good fun! :-)
However, neither Jayne nor I fancied anything on the afternoon schedule so we went shopping. First stop though was Wagamama (a Japanese restaurant) for lunch. I had chicken raman (I think it's called!) which was chicken and noodles in a soup base and Jayne ordered some duck pastries and crispy prawns (the proper names escape me!) as sides. It was all very delicious! I was also able to practice my chopstick skills some more and I think I'm beginning to get the hang of them now! :-)
Then we went shopping and made our way through the Arndale taking in M&S, River Island and New Look (amongst others) before finding it too stuffy and making our way out to the high street for some fresh air... where we took in H&M, Schuh and Primark (amongst even more!). I had to give up on looking for a new jacket though as I couldn't find a size big enough to go around my middle... and when even a size 20 doesn't fit then it really is time to give up!
After that we retired to Taurus for a drink and supper - chicken in a basket for me, chicken piri piri sarnie for Jayne - and then around to Via for another drink before calling it a night.
On arriving home, Jayne popped in for a coffee (note to self: must learn social norms in regard to inviting people in for coffee!) and then my parents arrived back from a day visiting my aunt and so we all had a jolly good chin wag before Jayne returned home.
So, all in all, it was another jolly good day out! :-)
Transition
I think, on the whole, my transition has been progressing well. There are, though, some difficulties and these are they...
I've found I'm being accepted as female (i.e. not as a 'tranny') more and more these days. The first notable one was when I went to pay at the car park in town and the second was when I paid the toll for the Mersey tunnel.
Being me, I looked for reasons as to why this might've happened and, as both the car park and tunnel attendants were in kiosks, I put it down to the fact that they couldn't see properly because of the kiosk! But then I was paying for the groceries at the supermarket and the assistant there accepted me as female and then another time at the checkouts the person behind accepted me as female and even called me "flower"! It quite made my day (on all occasions) but now I find I'm terrified of prolonging contact afterwards for fear they suddenly go "Oh, crap! You're a bloke!". It's my problem obviously but as to what I do to get over it, hmmm... it might take some time!
Another fly in the ointment is my name - or, rather, being called the wrong name and/or gender. I'm not gonna berate anyone for not trying - because they do try! - but people get it wrong too often for my liking. It's not deliberate, so for that I should be grateful, but it is depressing when you're trying to transition to have the rug regularly pulled out from under you by people getting it wrong.
Then there is the subject of my voice and "deportment". This is a big hindrance to my confidence and a factor in my fear of conversation with the public (particularly when they're being nice to me!). As much as I might think I am female and look like a female, what comes out my mouth aint female! And 'body language' is another factor. It's a lot to relearn so that I fit in and don't feel so blokey. Thankfully, though, I shall begin lessons in these subjects as of next week courtesy of the NHS (one of the few decent things I've got out of them recently!) so maybe I'll start to improve and not feel like a turd on the carpet.
The biggest hindrance to my transition, though, is my referral to a GIC. This has been because of the incompetence of the doctor handling my case and so I was forced to make a complaint before Christmas. Thankfully, it had the desired effect and the doctor has taken his finger out his bottom and actually made a start on the paperwork. However, I am still in his hands and the referral has, as far as I'm aware, yet to happen. Thusly, I shall be chasing this again now that people should be back at work after the Christmas break and I'll hopefully get the help I need.
Gremlins
The book also suggests personalising your gremlin and I envision mine to look like a miniature version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but with a personality of a drill instructor on and on at me all the time! Totally relentless!! I also believe it to be totally paranoid and maxed out on caffeine so that it's constantly telling me to wake up and be alert and not miss a single beat that is happening anywhere! Which could explain why I have such difficulty concentrating on just one thing - especially if it's people talking - and why I find doing nothing almost impossible! I become distracted very easily. And it could also explain why I'm always tired (though the hours I work might also have something to do with that!).
Fortunately, the book has given me a couple of techniques on how to 'centre' myself so that I'm in the here and now which has also made me realise that I don't think I've been in the here and now for a very long time! It really does feel like a very new experience for me! I've been able to enjoy some simple pleasures such as feeling my fingers or hearing just the one conversation. Doing so has brought new feelings of relaxation and joy to me which can only be a good thing!
But I'll tell you the best thing - in just four chapters I've realised the following truth...
I always knew I didn't care too much for people's opinions and that is why I was able to transition with a certain amount of lack of concern. But, sadly, the overriding emotion was a negative one. It wasn't because I liked myself no matter what anyone else thought - it was because I didn't like myself regardless of what anyone else thought! So if someone liked me, I would overrule them! I didn't believe I was someone to be liked!
So I ended up asking myself the following question:
"What is there to dislike?"
And my gremlin popped in with the response "Because you're useless!" but, because of what I'd read in the book, I was able to recognise this for what it was - a total lie! I am not useless!
And so my honest, heartfelt, answer to the question (after weeding out the gremlin's interference) "What is there to dislike?" is...
"I don't know. I'm not sure there is anything to really dislike."
Not a bad note to end on, don't you think? ;-)
Monday, 11 October 2010
On The Up
So the last week or so has been largely positive.
First off I went to a support group in Waterloo (Merseyside) with my good friends Jay and Gillian. Which didn't turn out to be terribly useful to me as it was too Liverpool centric. But the people there were lovely and it was great to meet Vikki-Marie properly after only really knowing her through Facebook. And I also met the much talked about Renatta (Sp?) - a lovely vicar who doesn't force religion down your throat - who is quite shockingly trendy, calling everyone "babes" and stuff. She could be the thin version of the Vicar Of Dibley in many respects! Lol!
Then afterwards four of us went for a lovely meal at the chinese restaurant next door. (See pic left) Sadly, that is when I started to space out again and started causing people concern. I just have so much stuff on my mind that I can't help it! It's an unfortunate habit that I disconnect from what is going around me and drift off in my own thoughts. I don't mean to be anti-social.
One of the things that was featuring largely in my thoughts was the meeting I had on Wednesday with the 'loony inspector' - a Dr Ash, who's reputation is for being rather obstructive. Certainly, for someone who is the trans expert in Lancs, I found him surprisingly uncomfortable in the presence of a trans person (me). But I couldn't help feeling motherly towards him and wanted to comfort the poor chap who was obviously in some distress with his stammer getting really quite pronounced at times!
Anyway, if I were to interpret how his mind worked on Wednesday, I would say he took one look at me and thought "Yep, you're in" ("in" being a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic) and then set about confirming a few facts about me. Sadly, he wasn't going to nail his colours to the mast at that time but he gave me a strong indication that he was gonna refer me to Charing Cross which, if it comes to fruition, will mean trips down to London to get the specialist help I need.
Yes, London!
The state of care for trans people in this country is such that there are very few Gender Identity Clinics in the country; and Lancashire, and even Greater Manchester, do not have one at all! So Lancashire Primary Care Trust have an agreement with Charing Cross all the way down in London to send their trans people there!
There are GICs in Sheffield and Leeds but Lancs PCT would have to justify sending me there which could complicate things. Besides Leeds don't have a very good reputation and Sheffield see very few at all! There is also another one in Nottingham but Lancs PCT have no arrangement with them at all!
However, I have nothing in writing yet so will just have to wait and bide my time. However, given Dr Ash's reputation, I shall be reminding him at the end of the month if nothing's come through before then.
Anyway, the upshot of my meeting on Wednesday was that I left feeling a lot more positive about myself. I have a very good indication that I'm not a loony and that my feelings about myself are real. This has given me a lot of confidence - even without having it in writing!
Um... I suppose a recap of a few other things is due here of how my confidence has been building...
A bit more than a week ago I visited a hair salon for the very first time as Claire. Now some trans folk have told horror stories about visits to hairdressers and so I was quite a bit nervous but, as things turned out, I had nothing to worry about. I was met with nothing but friendliness.
I've also been visiting a nail salon in town to try and sort my nails out. Sadly, the acrylic overlays I had done (which were done to try and rectify a mess another salon had made of them) were not to my liking so I had them removed and now my nails are as weak as they've ever been and constantly break! So they're now as short as they've ever been since I was a serial nail biter! Anyway, all that is largely beside the point because the benefit I've got out from visiting the nail salon is yet more interaction with the real world where, if you believe some trans folk, I should've been eaten alive(!) but in fact I've been met with nothing but friendliness and treated just like any other customer. Which has done wonders for my confidence - I AM NORMAL! You don't get that from visiting specialist trans businesses. Specialists don't deal in normality. Their whole reason for existence is to cater to exclusivity.
Another reason for my self-confidence improving is from living full-time as Claire. Doing so has enabled me to realise even more about myself. Such as I'm still treating certain items of clothing as taboo and I'm still repressing myself. This is just silly!
So a change of mind has occurred where I'm thinking "The last thing I want to do is give any illusions that I'm male" so I've been wearing more classically female clothing rather than sticking with the tomboy image before I transitioned. I really don't want to be wearing a shirt and trousers any more! Unfortunately, I don't have a lot in the way of dresses and so, without a lot in the way of funds, I've been wearing stuff that may not be wholly appropriate (like the 'little black dress' I wore to TREC (Trans Resource and Empowerment Centre) yesterday) but it's a whole lot better than jeans and a shirt!
So my confidence has been improving quietly but surely since I transitioned in August.
I still shock myself when I think how far I've come. You can possibly imagine the trauma I've been through to get where I am today. The times I came home from work in tears because I was so distraught with my situation! Well, I can safely say that it's all been worth it because I'm the happiest I've ever been. It might have been more obvious to others but even I've noticed I'm laughing a whole lot more! And I can't remember the last time someone told me to cheer up and stop looking so miserable - something that was quite a regular occurrence before!
So, anyway, where were we?
Ah, yes! My week so far...
So after my meeting with the 'loony inspector' I was feeling a lot more positive about life.
Then yesterday I went to TREC where I briefly joined in with the Arts & Crafts Workshop and then went over to the Gaydio studios in the afternoon.
I was a bit disappointed with the Arts & Crafts Workshop as I'd been hoping to get a bit of instruction in something I hadn't perhaps done before. But the only instruction I got was to draw something I'd enjoyed doing at TREC (which was Penny's Beauty Workshop and Making Friends) - something which I could easily have done at home if I'd been so inclined! So I didn't stick with that very long and joined Jay and Jennifer for lunch at the Japanese restaurant we went to for Sparkle. The food was lovely again. I had a mixed tempura obento which is a selection of seafood and veg fried in tempura batter and served with noodles, rice and salad. Delish! (See pic below)
Then we returned to TREC for the visit to the Gaydio studios where we were shown how the mixing desk and software-loading-program-thingy work! Which just made me want to be a DJ even more than I did already! :-)
After that about seven of us went to the Shang Hi restaurant as usual where we had the usual delicious all-you-can-eat buffet and Jennifer and Gillian signed their deed polls which brought back memories of when I signed mine and I can only hope they were as happy as I was. They certainly looked it at any rate! :-)
And that about concludes my news for now.
I'm on holiday this next week so can relax and catch up on some much needed sleep! :-)
First off I went to a support group in Waterloo (Merseyside) with my good friends Jay and Gillian. Which didn't turn out to be terribly useful to me as it was too Liverpool centric. But the people there were lovely and it was great to meet Vikki-Marie properly after only really knowing her through Facebook. And I also met the much talked about Renatta (Sp?) - a lovely vicar who doesn't force religion down your throat - who is quite shockingly trendy, calling everyone "babes" and stuff. She could be the thin version of the Vicar Of Dibley in many respects! Lol!
One of the things that was featuring largely in my thoughts was the meeting I had on Wednesday with the 'loony inspector' - a Dr Ash, who's reputation is for being rather obstructive. Certainly, for someone who is the trans expert in Lancs, I found him surprisingly uncomfortable in the presence of a trans person (me). But I couldn't help feeling motherly towards him and wanted to comfort the poor chap who was obviously in some distress with his stammer getting really quite pronounced at times!
Anyway, if I were to interpret how his mind worked on Wednesday, I would say he took one look at me and thought "Yep, you're in" ("in" being a referral to a Gender Identity Clinic) and then set about confirming a few facts about me. Sadly, he wasn't going to nail his colours to the mast at that time but he gave me a strong indication that he was gonna refer me to Charing Cross which, if it comes to fruition, will mean trips down to London to get the specialist help I need.
Yes, London!
The state of care for trans people in this country is such that there are very few Gender Identity Clinics in the country; and Lancashire, and even Greater Manchester, do not have one at all! So Lancashire Primary Care Trust have an agreement with Charing Cross all the way down in London to send their trans people there!
There are GICs in Sheffield and Leeds but Lancs PCT would have to justify sending me there which could complicate things. Besides Leeds don't have a very good reputation and Sheffield see very few at all! There is also another one in Nottingham but Lancs PCT have no arrangement with them at all!
However, I have nothing in writing yet so will just have to wait and bide my time. However, given Dr Ash's reputation, I shall be reminding him at the end of the month if nothing's come through before then.
Anyway, the upshot of my meeting on Wednesday was that I left feeling a lot more positive about myself. I have a very good indication that I'm not a loony and that my feelings about myself are real. This has given me a lot of confidence - even without having it in writing!
Um... I suppose a recap of a few other things is due here of how my confidence has been building...
A bit more than a week ago I visited a hair salon for the very first time as Claire. Now some trans folk have told horror stories about visits to hairdressers and so I was quite a bit nervous but, as things turned out, I had nothing to worry about. I was met with nothing but friendliness.
I've also been visiting a nail salon in town to try and sort my nails out. Sadly, the acrylic overlays I had done (which were done to try and rectify a mess another salon had made of them) were not to my liking so I had them removed and now my nails are as weak as they've ever been and constantly break! So they're now as short as they've ever been since I was a serial nail biter! Anyway, all that is largely beside the point because the benefit I've got out from visiting the nail salon is yet more interaction with the real world where, if you believe some trans folk, I should've been eaten alive(!) but in fact I've been met with nothing but friendliness and treated just like any other customer. Which has done wonders for my confidence - I AM NORMAL! You don't get that from visiting specialist trans businesses. Specialists don't deal in normality. Their whole reason for existence is to cater to exclusivity.
Another reason for my self-confidence improving is from living full-time as Claire. Doing so has enabled me to realise even more about myself. Such as I'm still treating certain items of clothing as taboo and I'm still repressing myself. This is just silly!
So a change of mind has occurred where I'm thinking "The last thing I want to do is give any illusions that I'm male" so I've been wearing more classically female clothing rather than sticking with the tomboy image before I transitioned. I really don't want to be wearing a shirt and trousers any more! Unfortunately, I don't have a lot in the way of dresses and so, without a lot in the way of funds, I've been wearing stuff that may not be wholly appropriate (like the 'little black dress' I wore to TREC (Trans Resource and Empowerment Centre) yesterday) but it's a whole lot better than jeans and a shirt!
So my confidence has been improving quietly but surely since I transitioned in August.
I still shock myself when I think how far I've come. You can possibly imagine the trauma I've been through to get where I am today. The times I came home from work in tears because I was so distraught with my situation! Well, I can safely say that it's all been worth it because I'm the happiest I've ever been. It might have been more obvious to others but even I've noticed I'm laughing a whole lot more! And I can't remember the last time someone told me to cheer up and stop looking so miserable - something that was quite a regular occurrence before!
So, anyway, where were we?
Ah, yes! My week so far...
So after my meeting with the 'loony inspector' I was feeling a lot more positive about life.
Then yesterday I went to TREC where I briefly joined in with the Arts & Crafts Workshop and then went over to the Gaydio studios in the afternoon.
I was a bit disappointed with the Arts & Crafts Workshop as I'd been hoping to get a bit of instruction in something I hadn't perhaps done before. But the only instruction I got was to draw something I'd enjoyed doing at TREC (which was Penny's Beauty Workshop and Making Friends) - something which I could easily have done at home if I'd been so inclined! So I didn't stick with that very long and joined Jay and Jennifer for lunch at the Japanese restaurant we went to for Sparkle. The food was lovely again. I had a mixed tempura obento which is a selection of seafood and veg fried in tempura batter and served with noodles, rice and salad. Delish! (See pic below)
 |
Then we returned to TREC for the visit to the Gaydio studios where we were shown how the mixing desk and software-loading-program-thingy work! Which just made me want to be a DJ even more than I did already! :-)
After that about seven of us went to the Shang Hi restaurant as usual where we had the usual delicious all-you-can-eat buffet and Jennifer and Gillian signed their deed polls which brought back memories of when I signed mine and I can only hope they were as happy as I was. They certainly looked it at any rate! :-)
And that about concludes my news for now.
I'm on holiday this next week so can relax and catch up on some much needed sleep! :-)
Saturday, 2 October 2010
I Will Survive
Here is a YouTube video that struck a chord with me...
In my story it wasn't a bridge and it wasn't because I knew I was gay. It was the roof of a tower block and it was because I was being bullied at school for being different. I didn't jump because I just couldn't cause the pain I knew I would inevitably do so to my parents and my brother. My love for them saved my life.
And my love for my husband and my family still continue to save my life. Without them I would quite literally be dead! And good riddance to me! Because I just wouldn't want to be that person.
But I can't pretend that all is sweetness and light. My love for my husband and family is also what makes life difficult - unbearably so at times! If I didn't love them so very much I could march through life without a care. But I don't want to be an uncaring person. And I don't believe I can be an uncaring person!
So I'm faced with impossible choices where on one hand I can do what I believe will make my life better. But also, at the same time, I don't see how causing pain to the people I love (by making those decisions) is making my life better!
So faced with impossible choices I still keep open that other option I declined more than 2 decades ago - that of the final solution, suicide.
However, I don't believe I ever will take that route for the same reason as I declined it all those years ago - I can't cause that amount of pain to the people I love.
So I continue to struggle with these impossible choices and eventually something usually gives and I make another step forward in my journey through life.
...but I wish it was easier!
...but knowing the reasons why it is so hard, I can accept why it isn't.
...but I still wish it was easier!
In my story it wasn't a bridge and it wasn't because I knew I was gay. It was the roof of a tower block and it was because I was being bullied at school for being different. I didn't jump because I just couldn't cause the pain I knew I would inevitably do so to my parents and my brother. My love for them saved my life.
And my love for my husband and my family still continue to save my life. Without them I would quite literally be dead! And good riddance to me! Because I just wouldn't want to be that person.
But I can't pretend that all is sweetness and light. My love for my husband and family is also what makes life difficult - unbearably so at times! If I didn't love them so very much I could march through life without a care. But I don't want to be an uncaring person. And I don't believe I can be an uncaring person!
So I'm faced with impossible choices where on one hand I can do what I believe will make my life better. But also, at the same time, I don't see how causing pain to the people I love (by making those decisions) is making my life better!
So faced with impossible choices I still keep open that other option I declined more than 2 decades ago - that of the final solution, suicide.
However, I don't believe I ever will take that route for the same reason as I declined it all those years ago - I can't cause that amount of pain to the people I love.
So I continue to struggle with these impossible choices and eventually something usually gives and I make another step forward in my journey through life.
...but I wish it was easier!
...but knowing the reasons why it is so hard, I can accept why it isn't.
...but I still wish it was easier!
Sunday, 22 August 2010
It's Official!
I am now legally Claire Jenny Rice. I signed my deed poll yesterday (witnessed by my good friend Jay). "Tim" has been consigned to history.
So this was my first week at work and I feel it went very well. There's only one chap I've noticed not make any effort to call me Claire. Whether this is deliberate or he's just thick I don't know and I don't care - it amounts to the same thing. However, I shan't be getting argy with him as I feel that would be counterproductive (unless he did something more obviously transphobic) and am just hoping peer pressure will get to him and he'll follow suit like the rest of them.
So one tiny fly in the ointment then. A far better result than I feared! :-)
On Thursday I went to Rhyl to get my haircut by the wonderful and wonderfully talented Penny. Up to now I'd just been growing it and letting it do it's own thing because I didn't really have much of a clue what I wanted to do with it. However, I asked my friends and had a good search on Google and came up with some ideas. Penny wasn't so sure it'd work with the hair I've got so she handed me a few hairstyle magazines when I got to Rhyl and I found a couple more styles I liked. With all that information Penny had an idea of the kind of thing I wanted and then set about personalising my hair to suit my face and my personality and I have to say she totally hit the nail on the head! I love it! In fact the last couple of days I've been getting a wee bit emotional every time I look in the mirror - I finally look like the woman I always felt I was! And this is what it looks like (with the fabulous Penny beside me)...
After my haircut I stayed for the Unique meeting that was being held at the same place. We had a talk from someone doing research for hate crimes which lead to a 'heated debate'.
I also met a young lady there who was recently outed by The Daily (Hate) Mail and has subsequently been the subject of the oik known as Richard Littlejohn's column in the same rag as well as finding herself on the website for the National Front! Now considering she's a copper you can imagine the danger she's now been put in because of some stupid newspaper (if you can call it that!) thinking it's OK to out someone just because they're a transsexual! So, if you can all do me a favour and boycott The Daily (Hate) Mail for the rest of it's existence I'd be extremely grateful!
On Friday I had my fourth session of laser on my beard area. This time she started on my top lip (the most sensitive area!) which made me wonder what I'd done to upset her!! Lol!
However, I am really happy with the results and so must she be as she doesn't want to see me for five weeks (instead of the usual four) when she previously said at the initial consultation it wouldn't be until the sixth session before she started to reassess things.
On Saturday I went to Transforum again (with Jay and Gwen giving me a most welcome lift in their car) where we had lectures on the new equality legislation - which doesn't seem to be worth the paper it's printed on! It's so woolly you just know it's gonna get used and abused by all kinds of unscrupulous people!
Afterwards we went to the Shang Hai for their all-you-can-eat buffet as usual but, whether it was just because it was quieter than usual or I don't know what, they brought out a lot more food to our table than usual - which made the buffet almost superfluous! :-)
So, coming up to date, today I have done the weekly shopping by myself again as John just does not have the energy at the moment. Still, I did have a nice brave soldier type chap collecting for the Heroes charity help me pack which was most welcome! :-)
But John did have the energy to cook some Chilli for tea. :-)
So this was my first week at work and I feel it went very well. There's only one chap I've noticed not make any effort to call me Claire. Whether this is deliberate or he's just thick I don't know and I don't care - it amounts to the same thing. However, I shan't be getting argy with him as I feel that would be counterproductive (unless he did something more obviously transphobic) and am just hoping peer pressure will get to him and he'll follow suit like the rest of them.
So one tiny fly in the ointment then. A far better result than I feared! :-)
On Thursday I went to Rhyl to get my haircut by the wonderful and wonderfully talented Penny. Up to now I'd just been growing it and letting it do it's own thing because I didn't really have much of a clue what I wanted to do with it. However, I asked my friends and had a good search on Google and came up with some ideas. Penny wasn't so sure it'd work with the hair I've got so she handed me a few hairstyle magazines when I got to Rhyl and I found a couple more styles I liked. With all that information Penny had an idea of the kind of thing I wanted and then set about personalising my hair to suit my face and my personality and I have to say she totally hit the nail on the head! I love it! In fact the last couple of days I've been getting a wee bit emotional every time I look in the mirror - I finally look like the woman I always felt I was! And this is what it looks like (with the fabulous Penny beside me)...
I also met a young lady there who was recently outed by The Daily (Hate) Mail and has subsequently been the subject of the oik known as Richard Littlejohn's column in the same rag as well as finding herself on the website for the National Front! Now considering she's a copper you can imagine the danger she's now been put in because of some stupid newspaper (if you can call it that!) thinking it's OK to out someone just because they're a transsexual! So, if you can all do me a favour and boycott The Daily (Hate) Mail for the rest of it's existence I'd be extremely grateful!
On Friday I had my fourth session of laser on my beard area. This time she started on my top lip (the most sensitive area!) which made me wonder what I'd done to upset her!! Lol!
However, I am really happy with the results and so must she be as she doesn't want to see me for five weeks (instead of the usual four) when she previously said at the initial consultation it wouldn't be until the sixth session before she started to reassess things.
On Saturday I went to Transforum again (with Jay and Gwen giving me a most welcome lift in their car) where we had lectures on the new equality legislation - which doesn't seem to be worth the paper it's printed on! It's so woolly you just know it's gonna get used and abused by all kinds of unscrupulous people!
Afterwards we went to the Shang Hai for their all-you-can-eat buffet as usual but, whether it was just because it was quieter than usual or I don't know what, they brought out a lot more food to our table than usual - which made the buffet almost superfluous! :-)
So, coming up to date, today I have done the weekly shopping by myself again as John just does not have the energy at the moment. Still, I did have a nice brave soldier type chap collecting for the Heroes charity help me pack which was most welcome! :-)
But John did have the energy to cook some Chilli for tea. :-)
Monday, 16 August 2010
First Day At Work
So today was my first day at work as Claire and it went rather well. Most made the effort to call me Claire, even if they sometimes forgot, and absolutely no one was at all nasty to me. In fact, the day got off to a great start with the lovely Dianne complimenting me on my appearance. :-) Mike, who has a stutter, was also amusing. I don't think I could've chosen a worst name for him to try to pronounce! Lol!
Also rewarding was having a clear head since all the thoughts of "should I, shouldn't I" (and worse) are gone as I've quite obviously made the decision that I shall! :-) Not being distracted by my dysphoria is something to savour - I just hope it lasts!
So today was wonderfully life affirming and my most common thought of the day was "Why didn't I do this ages ago?"!! :-)
However, I came home to some worrying news... John had another X-Ray today and the X-Rayer was obviously concerned and told John to go see his GP tomorrow but wouldn't tell him what it was! Which is just flipping great - if you're gonna worry someone that's a great way of doing it! Why not just tell him so we can either cry ourselves to sleep or put our minds to rest?!!
Also rewarding was having a clear head since all the thoughts of "should I, shouldn't I" (and worse) are gone as I've quite obviously made the decision that I shall! :-) Not being distracted by my dysphoria is something to savour - I just hope it lasts!
So today was wonderfully life affirming and my most common thought of the day was "Why didn't I do this ages ago?"!! :-)
However, I came home to some worrying news... John had another X-Ray today and the X-Rayer was obviously concerned and told John to go see his GP tomorrow but wouldn't tell him what it was! Which is just flipping great - if you're gonna worry someone that's a great way of doing it! Why not just tell him so we can either cry ourselves to sleep or put our minds to rest?!!
Friday, 13 August 2010
Settling Down
Well, it seems that it took more than a few days for me to get used to the idea that this is permanent (and probably more yet) but I feel like I'm settling into this now... just ready for work next week! Yikes!
I feel the turning point was yesterday when I had a "slob" day cos John had to go back to Preston for a hospital appointment and so I didn't feel the need to do much - didn't even brush my hair! What a slob!
However, it was the first time I felt like I connected with the person staring back at me in the mirror and thought "Yeah, that's me: Claire". :-)
It's an odd thing - if I don't look at my reflection I feel at one with myself... but if I look in the mirror it's another matter. Hopefully, yesterday was a sign of that beginning to change and I can start to find some of that elusive self-belief my counsellors went on about. :-)
I feel the turning point was yesterday when I had a "slob" day cos John had to go back to Preston for a hospital appointment and so I didn't feel the need to do much - didn't even brush my hair! What a slob!
However, it was the first time I felt like I connected with the person staring back at me in the mirror and thought "Yeah, that's me: Claire". :-)
It's an odd thing - if I don't look at my reflection I feel at one with myself... but if I look in the mirror it's another matter. Hopefully, yesterday was a sign of that beginning to change and I can start to find some of that elusive self-belief my counsellors went on about. :-)
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