Of late I've been rather down in the dumps. I seem to have put my foot in it a lot lately and provoked some very negative reactions towards me. But what's really got me down is the speech therapy I've been having.
I'd put this down to it making me sound like a bloke when I wanted to sound like a female. But I've realised it's more profound than that. It's the fact that I'm having to learn to be female.
The fact that I'm having to learn to be female is like having a finger jabbed at me with someone taunting, "Ha! You're not really a female at all! You're having to learn to be female!" and then my gremlin (remember him?) chimes in "So you're clearly a bloke then! Why not give it up and be who you really are - a bloke!"... which gets me very down... to the point of thinking of giving up... on everything.
But then I remember I have a husband. Who I love dearly. And I realise I can't give up on him as well as me. So I pick myself up again and look in the mirror just to see if I really can give it up and be a bloke. And everytime it's the same - I want to be female.
So I've been battering myself from pillar to post.
I hate being reminded of my maleness... which, unbelievably, makes me want to give up trying to be female... which makes me want to give up on everything... which makes me re-evaluate things... which makes me try again... which brings me full circle and being reminded of my maleness.
I need to break this circle. I need to be rid of this sadness in my life.
But I think I'm a long way off not being reminded of my maleness any more.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Monday, 10 January 2011
New Year
Quite a bit has happened recently so I feel the need to document it before I forget all about it...
Parents
With the snow making travel impossible for them over Christmas, my parents arrived on Wednesday to celebrate a belated Christmas with us.
Things got off to a very nice start when my parents presented me with a necklace once owned by great grandma Jenny (who my middle name is taken from) and some photos so I knew what she looked like. I was very touched by this gesture. Thanks mum and dad! xxx
Then, having missed the first day of Christmas, we swapped pressies on the last day of Christmas - Thursday (which, apparently, is a Spanish tradition). I got some perfume, a M&S token, and lots of stocking fillers. John got stocking fillers plus some Thornton's chocolates and a Sainsbury's token.
My parents also accompanied me to my laser session on Friday but only so they could have a look around Bury for old times sake! On the way there it started snowing and I had visions of us having to spend the weekend in Bury - which would've been just typical considering the trouble the snow had already caused us! - but it soon passed and we were able to return home to the safe and warm. :-)
Then yesterday we had our Christmas dinner - roast venison in a wine and redcurrant sauce with veg (sprouts obligatory of course!) and Christmas pud and rum sauce to follow. It was absolutely scrummy and well worth the two week wait... even though I had to cook it all myself! (With John's supervision)
They've returned home today, though, and I had to go to work before they were up so we said our farewells last night. Ah well, it was fun whilst it lasted!
TREC
On Saturday I was given a lift to TREC by my good friend, Jayne. Things seem to be very up in the air with TREC at the moment and I think it's beginning to have a knock-on effect as only a handful of us were there on Saturday.
The schedule wasn't entirely inspiring either so I only really fancied the music group and, here again, the 'leader' of the group was only given two days notice so she wasn't really able to prepare properly. However, she did an admirable job I think as I enjoyed it quite a bit. For the lesson itself, we stuck to the basics and just got used to making music together and being in time with the beat. It's the first time I've ever done anything like that - despite all the music I've made on the computer - so I found it very valuable. And the silliness of the session also made it good fun! :-)
However, neither Jayne nor I fancied anything on the afternoon schedule so we went shopping. First stop though was Wagamama (a Japanese restaurant) for lunch. I had chicken raman (I think it's called!) which was chicken and noodles in a soup base and Jayne ordered some duck pastries and crispy prawns (the proper names escape me!) as sides. It was all very delicious! I was also able to practice my chopstick skills some more and I think I'm beginning to get the hang of them now! :-)
Then we went shopping and made our way through the Arndale taking in M&S, River Island and New Look (amongst others) before finding it too stuffy and making our way out to the high street for some fresh air... where we took in H&M, Schuh and Primark (amongst even more!). I had to give up on looking for a new jacket though as I couldn't find a size big enough to go around my middle... and when even a size 20 doesn't fit then it really is time to give up!
After that we retired to Taurus for a drink and supper - chicken in a basket for me, chicken piri piri sarnie for Jayne - and then around to Via for another drink before calling it a night.
On arriving home, Jayne popped in for a coffee (note to self: must learn social norms in regard to inviting people in for coffee!) and then my parents arrived back from a day visiting my aunt and so we all had a jolly good chin wag before Jayne returned home.
So, all in all, it was another jolly good day out! :-)
Transition
I think, on the whole, my transition has been progressing well. There are, though, some difficulties and these are they...
I've found I'm being accepted as female (i.e. not as a 'tranny') more and more these days. The first notable one was when I went to pay at the car park in town and the second was when I paid the toll for the Mersey tunnel.
Being me, I looked for reasons as to why this might've happened and, as both the car park and tunnel attendants were in kiosks, I put it down to the fact that they couldn't see properly because of the kiosk! But then I was paying for the groceries at the supermarket and the assistant there accepted me as female and then another time at the checkouts the person behind accepted me as female and even called me "flower"! It quite made my day (on all occasions) but now I find I'm terrified of prolonging contact afterwards for fear they suddenly go "Oh, crap! You're a bloke!". It's my problem obviously but as to what I do to get over it, hmmm... it might take some time!
Another fly in the ointment is my name - or, rather, being called the wrong name and/or gender. I'm not gonna berate anyone for not trying - because they do try! - but people get it wrong too often for my liking. It's not deliberate, so for that I should be grateful, but it is depressing when you're trying to transition to have the rug regularly pulled out from under you by people getting it wrong.
Then there is the subject of my voice and "deportment". This is a big hindrance to my confidence and a factor in my fear of conversation with the public (particularly when they're being nice to me!). As much as I might think I am female and look like a female, what comes out my mouth aint female! And 'body language' is another factor. It's a lot to relearn so that I fit in and don't feel so blokey. Thankfully, though, I shall begin lessons in these subjects as of next week courtesy of the NHS (one of the few decent things I've got out of them recently!) so maybe I'll start to improve and not feel like a turd on the carpet.
The biggest hindrance to my transition, though, is my referral to a GIC. This has been because of the incompetence of the doctor handling my case and so I was forced to make a complaint before Christmas. Thankfully, it had the desired effect and the doctor has taken his finger out his bottom and actually made a start on the paperwork. However, I am still in his hands and the referral has, as far as I'm aware, yet to happen. Thusly, I shall be chasing this again now that people should be back at work after the Christmas break and I'll hopefully get the help I need.
Gremlins
Thanks to a recommendation from a Facebook friend, the book I am currently reading is called Taming Your Gremlin. It's about how to tame that inner voice - the gremlin - that constantly tells us how crap we are and makes us feel miserable and useless. I've not read very much of it so far, and I'm having to take it slowly so that I absorb it properly, but already I can feel it helping and now, when I feel my gremlin getting at me, I say to myself "Hello Gremlin!" and, even if it does sound daft, it does help. :-)
The book also suggests personalising your gremlin and I envision mine to look like a miniature version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but with a personality of a drill instructor on and on at me all the time! Totally relentless!! I also believe it to be totally paranoid and maxed out on caffeine so that it's constantly telling me to wake up and be alert and not miss a single beat that is happening anywhere! Which could explain why I have such difficulty concentrating on just one thing - especially if it's people talking - and why I find doing nothing almost impossible! I become distracted very easily. And it could also explain why I'm always tired (though the hours I work might also have something to do with that!).
Fortunately, the book has given me a couple of techniques on how to 'centre' myself so that I'm in the here and now which has also made me realise that I don't think I've been in the here and now for a very long time! It really does feel like a very new experience for me! I've been able to enjoy some simple pleasures such as feeling my fingers or hearing just the one conversation. Doing so has brought new feelings of relaxation and joy to me which can only be a good thing!
But I'll tell you the best thing - in just four chapters I've realised the following truth...
I always knew I didn't care too much for people's opinions and that is why I was able to transition with a certain amount of lack of concern. But, sadly, the overriding emotion was a negative one. It wasn't because I liked myself no matter what anyone else thought - it was because I didn't like myself regardless of what anyone else thought! So if someone liked me, I would overrule them! I didn't believe I was someone to be liked!
So I ended up asking myself the following question:
"What is there to dislike?"
And my gremlin popped in with the response "Because you're useless!" but, because of what I'd read in the book, I was able to recognise this for what it was - a total lie! I am not useless!
And so my honest, heartfelt, answer to the question (after weeding out the gremlin's interference) "What is there to dislike?" is...
"I don't know. I'm not sure there is anything to really dislike."
Not a bad note to end on, don't you think? ;-)
Parents
With the snow making travel impossible for them over Christmas, my parents arrived on Wednesday to celebrate a belated Christmas with us.
Things got off to a very nice start when my parents presented me with a necklace once owned by great grandma Jenny (who my middle name is taken from) and some photos so I knew what she looked like. I was very touched by this gesture. Thanks mum and dad! xxx
Then, having missed the first day of Christmas, we swapped pressies on the last day of Christmas - Thursday (which, apparently, is a Spanish tradition). I got some perfume, a M&S token, and lots of stocking fillers. John got stocking fillers plus some Thornton's chocolates and a Sainsbury's token.
My parents also accompanied me to my laser session on Friday but only so they could have a look around Bury for old times sake! On the way there it started snowing and I had visions of us having to spend the weekend in Bury - which would've been just typical considering the trouble the snow had already caused us! - but it soon passed and we were able to return home to the safe and warm. :-)
Then yesterday we had our Christmas dinner - roast venison in a wine and redcurrant sauce with veg (sprouts obligatory of course!) and Christmas pud and rum sauce to follow. It was absolutely scrummy and well worth the two week wait... even though I had to cook it all myself! (With John's supervision)
They've returned home today, though, and I had to go to work before they were up so we said our farewells last night. Ah well, it was fun whilst it lasted!
TREC
On Saturday I was given a lift to TREC by my good friend, Jayne. Things seem to be very up in the air with TREC at the moment and I think it's beginning to have a knock-on effect as only a handful of us were there on Saturday.
The schedule wasn't entirely inspiring either so I only really fancied the music group and, here again, the 'leader' of the group was only given two days notice so she wasn't really able to prepare properly. However, she did an admirable job I think as I enjoyed it quite a bit. For the lesson itself, we stuck to the basics and just got used to making music together and being in time with the beat. It's the first time I've ever done anything like that - despite all the music I've made on the computer - so I found it very valuable. And the silliness of the session also made it good fun! :-)
However, neither Jayne nor I fancied anything on the afternoon schedule so we went shopping. First stop though was Wagamama (a Japanese restaurant) for lunch. I had chicken raman (I think it's called!) which was chicken and noodles in a soup base and Jayne ordered some duck pastries and crispy prawns (the proper names escape me!) as sides. It was all very delicious! I was also able to practice my chopstick skills some more and I think I'm beginning to get the hang of them now! :-)
Then we went shopping and made our way through the Arndale taking in M&S, River Island and New Look (amongst others) before finding it too stuffy and making our way out to the high street for some fresh air... where we took in H&M, Schuh and Primark (amongst even more!). I had to give up on looking for a new jacket though as I couldn't find a size big enough to go around my middle... and when even a size 20 doesn't fit then it really is time to give up!
After that we retired to Taurus for a drink and supper - chicken in a basket for me, chicken piri piri sarnie for Jayne - and then around to Via for another drink before calling it a night.
On arriving home, Jayne popped in for a coffee (note to self: must learn social norms in regard to inviting people in for coffee!) and then my parents arrived back from a day visiting my aunt and so we all had a jolly good chin wag before Jayne returned home.
So, all in all, it was another jolly good day out! :-)
Transition
I think, on the whole, my transition has been progressing well. There are, though, some difficulties and these are they...
I've found I'm being accepted as female (i.e. not as a 'tranny') more and more these days. The first notable one was when I went to pay at the car park in town and the second was when I paid the toll for the Mersey tunnel.
Being me, I looked for reasons as to why this might've happened and, as both the car park and tunnel attendants were in kiosks, I put it down to the fact that they couldn't see properly because of the kiosk! But then I was paying for the groceries at the supermarket and the assistant there accepted me as female and then another time at the checkouts the person behind accepted me as female and even called me "flower"! It quite made my day (on all occasions) but now I find I'm terrified of prolonging contact afterwards for fear they suddenly go "Oh, crap! You're a bloke!". It's my problem obviously but as to what I do to get over it, hmmm... it might take some time!
Another fly in the ointment is my name - or, rather, being called the wrong name and/or gender. I'm not gonna berate anyone for not trying - because they do try! - but people get it wrong too often for my liking. It's not deliberate, so for that I should be grateful, but it is depressing when you're trying to transition to have the rug regularly pulled out from under you by people getting it wrong.
Then there is the subject of my voice and "deportment". This is a big hindrance to my confidence and a factor in my fear of conversation with the public (particularly when they're being nice to me!). As much as I might think I am female and look like a female, what comes out my mouth aint female! And 'body language' is another factor. It's a lot to relearn so that I fit in and don't feel so blokey. Thankfully, though, I shall begin lessons in these subjects as of next week courtesy of the NHS (one of the few decent things I've got out of them recently!) so maybe I'll start to improve and not feel like a turd on the carpet.
The biggest hindrance to my transition, though, is my referral to a GIC. This has been because of the incompetence of the doctor handling my case and so I was forced to make a complaint before Christmas. Thankfully, it had the desired effect and the doctor has taken his finger out his bottom and actually made a start on the paperwork. However, I am still in his hands and the referral has, as far as I'm aware, yet to happen. Thusly, I shall be chasing this again now that people should be back at work after the Christmas break and I'll hopefully get the help I need.
Gremlins
The book also suggests personalising your gremlin and I envision mine to look like a miniature version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but with a personality of a drill instructor on and on at me all the time! Totally relentless!! I also believe it to be totally paranoid and maxed out on caffeine so that it's constantly telling me to wake up and be alert and not miss a single beat that is happening anywhere! Which could explain why I have such difficulty concentrating on just one thing - especially if it's people talking - and why I find doing nothing almost impossible! I become distracted very easily. And it could also explain why I'm always tired (though the hours I work might also have something to do with that!).
Fortunately, the book has given me a couple of techniques on how to 'centre' myself so that I'm in the here and now which has also made me realise that I don't think I've been in the here and now for a very long time! It really does feel like a very new experience for me! I've been able to enjoy some simple pleasures such as feeling my fingers or hearing just the one conversation. Doing so has brought new feelings of relaxation and joy to me which can only be a good thing!
But I'll tell you the best thing - in just four chapters I've realised the following truth...
I always knew I didn't care too much for people's opinions and that is why I was able to transition with a certain amount of lack of concern. But, sadly, the overriding emotion was a negative one. It wasn't because I liked myself no matter what anyone else thought - it was because I didn't like myself regardless of what anyone else thought! So if someone liked me, I would overrule them! I didn't believe I was someone to be liked!
So I ended up asking myself the following question:
"What is there to dislike?"
And my gremlin popped in with the response "Because you're useless!" but, because of what I'd read in the book, I was able to recognise this for what it was - a total lie! I am not useless!
And so my honest, heartfelt, answer to the question (after weeding out the gremlin's interference) "What is there to dislike?" is...
"I don't know. I'm not sure there is anything to really dislike."
Not a bad note to end on, don't you think? ;-)
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