Of late I've been rather down in the dumps. I seem to have put my foot in it a lot lately and provoked some very negative reactions towards me. But what's really got me down is the speech therapy I've been having.
I'd put this down to it making me sound like a bloke when I wanted to sound like a female. But I've realised it's more profound than that. It's the fact that I'm having to learn to be female.
The fact that I'm having to learn to be female is like having a finger jabbed at me with someone taunting, "Ha! You're not really a female at all! You're having to learn to be female!" and then my gremlin (remember him?) chimes in "So you're clearly a bloke then! Why not give it up and be who you really are - a bloke!"... which gets me very down... to the point of thinking of giving up... on everything.
But then I remember I have a husband. Who I love dearly. And I realise I can't give up on him as well as me. So I pick myself up again and look in the mirror just to see if I really can give it up and be a bloke. And everytime it's the same - I want to be female.
So I've been battering myself from pillar to post.
I hate being reminded of my maleness... which, unbelievably, makes me want to give up trying to be female... which makes me want to give up on everything... which makes me re-evaluate things... which makes me try again... which brings me full circle and being reminded of my maleness.
I need to break this circle. I need to be rid of this sadness in my life.
But I think I'm a long way off not being reminded of my maleness any more.
Showing posts with label speech therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label speech therapy. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Psychological Adjustment
One of the things that have surprised me are the adjustments I've had to make psychologically.
Even though I've wanted to make this transition for a long long while it took me a few days to adjust to the realisation that this is forever now.
Call me naive but I wasn't expecting it to require a psychological adjustment that this is forever - it is, after all, exactly what I want! And I've wanted it for a long long time! All the same, it did take a few days of adjustment to get my head around achieving my goal.
Another psychological adjustment is the realisation that I was actually afraid of being girly! I guess I was afraid if I did so I'd do exactly what I have done - transition. Well, there's nothing to be afraid of and now I am 'letting the girl out' and making a few changes here and there.
The first major one is my hairstyle. My hair is currently a mess and I dislike it a great deal but I was devoid of ideas of what to do with it. So I put an appeal on Facebook and was suggested a bob - something I'd previously turned my nose up because it was too girly! I did a Google search and had a trawl through all the pictures and found a style that is sort of bobby but is actually called a shag(!!). I like it a great deal and have passed the pictures on to Penny (the wonderful lady who did my makeover last month) and I'm now awaiting feedback. I'm worried that my hair may be too greasy to achieve that style but we'll see what Penny says.
The last psychological adjustment I want to talk about is my identity. Before this week I'd been keen to find out about speech therapy, hormones and GRS as I thought that's what I'd require to make a success of my transition. However, I am now worried about losing my identity if I do so.
Thus I feel if I seek to feminise my voice I am in fact perverting my identity. Likewise (and more obviously so) if I take hormones and undergo GRS (there are other factors why I'm unsure of these as well of course - like my family's health history!).
I also fear if I start on a path of trying to hide the fact I was born male it will make me feel self-concious again and, when that was a motivator for me transitioning in the first place, I don't want to go back to that place if I can help it. If nothing else, these first few days of my transition, I am very much enjoying the sense of liberty I have of being able to be myself and not shutting down parts of my personality because that doesn't fit the gender norm. So I'm not going to willingly throw that liberty away now I've finally got it!
Of course, talking about the future is rarely a good idea because you never know how things are gonna turn out and, for example, if I was on the dole for a couple of years because I hadn't managed to find an employer liberal minded enough to give an openly transgendered person a job I may very well change my mind (if not long before!).
However, I am hoping things will continue much the way they have - that if you are confident in yourself then people just go with it. Yup, having balls sure gets you a long way in life! :-D
Even though I've wanted to make this transition for a long long while it took me a few days to adjust to the realisation that this is forever now.
Call me naive but I wasn't expecting it to require a psychological adjustment that this is forever - it is, after all, exactly what I want! And I've wanted it for a long long time! All the same, it did take a few days of adjustment to get my head around achieving my goal.
Another psychological adjustment is the realisation that I was actually afraid of being girly! I guess I was afraid if I did so I'd do exactly what I have done - transition. Well, there's nothing to be afraid of and now I am 'letting the girl out' and making a few changes here and there.
The first major one is my hairstyle. My hair is currently a mess and I dislike it a great deal but I was devoid of ideas of what to do with it. So I put an appeal on Facebook and was suggested a bob - something I'd previously turned my nose up because it was too girly! I did a Google search and had a trawl through all the pictures and found a style that is sort of bobby but is actually called a shag(!!). I like it a great deal and have passed the pictures on to Penny (the wonderful lady who did my makeover last month) and I'm now awaiting feedback. I'm worried that my hair may be too greasy to achieve that style but we'll see what Penny says.
The last psychological adjustment I want to talk about is my identity. Before this week I'd been keen to find out about speech therapy, hormones and GRS as I thought that's what I'd require to make a success of my transition. However, I am now worried about losing my identity if I do so.
Thus I feel if I seek to feminise my voice I am in fact perverting my identity. Likewise (and more obviously so) if I take hormones and undergo GRS (there are other factors why I'm unsure of these as well of course - like my family's health history!).
I also fear if I start on a path of trying to hide the fact I was born male it will make me feel self-concious again and, when that was a motivator for me transitioning in the first place, I don't want to go back to that place if I can help it. If nothing else, these first few days of my transition, I am very much enjoying the sense of liberty I have of being able to be myself and not shutting down parts of my personality because that doesn't fit the gender norm. So I'm not going to willingly throw that liberty away now I've finally got it!
Of course, talking about the future is rarely a good idea because you never know how things are gonna turn out and, for example, if I was on the dole for a couple of years because I hadn't managed to find an employer liberal minded enough to give an openly transgendered person a job I may very well change my mind (if not long before!).
However, I am hoping things will continue much the way they have - that if you are confident in yourself then people just go with it. Yup, having balls sure gets you a long way in life! :-D
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