Of late I've been rather down in the dumps. I seem to have put my foot in it a lot lately and provoked some very negative reactions towards me. But what's really got me down is the speech therapy I've been having.
I'd put this down to it making me sound like a bloke when I wanted to sound like a female. But I've realised it's more profound than that. It's the fact that I'm having to learn to be female.
The fact that I'm having to learn to be female is like having a finger jabbed at me with someone taunting, "Ha! You're not really a female at all! You're having to learn to be female!" and then my gremlin (remember him?) chimes in "So you're clearly a bloke then! Why not give it up and be who you really are - a bloke!"... which gets me very down... to the point of thinking of giving up... on everything.
But then I remember I have a husband. Who I love dearly. And I realise I can't give up on him as well as me. So I pick myself up again and look in the mirror just to see if I really can give it up and be a bloke. And everytime it's the same - I want to be female.
So I've been battering myself from pillar to post.
I hate being reminded of my maleness... which, unbelievably, makes me want to give up trying to be female... which makes me want to give up on everything... which makes me re-evaluate things... which makes me try again... which brings me full circle and being reminded of my maleness.
I need to break this circle. I need to be rid of this sadness in my life.
But I think I'm a long way off not being reminded of my maleness any more.
2 comments:
Questioning whether transition is the right thing to do is an essential part of making rational decisions. A blind unthinking belief that it is right suggests a lack of thought and I'll admit to often asking myself questions about the right...ness of my path, especially important as I move towards the final irreversible change. I'll also share that my self doubts and questioning always come back to the same conclusion which is that transition is right for me. This is not because I'm on some sort of automated process, a bit like a meat production line, as I'm not! It just that it makes sense for me and is the culmination of years of thoughts that it might be.
If you've decided it is right for you too, then you'll be as fully employed as any other person offering employers the same skill set. Embrace the doubts - they are part of helping you know your decision is soundly based.
That's all normal, Claire...
Show me someone who claims to have no doubts, and I will show you a liar, a fanatic or a lunatic.
Some of it, such as movement and speech, is just habit and requires practice. The tricky bit, and the part I had most trouble with, was the "lifestyle".
I found that as long as I was attempting to live up to the notional image that I had of "transitioning", I was in turmoil.
I was comparing myself with others transwomen I knew, and finding myself lacking.
I found that trying to behave like them. acting the way they did, enjoying the things they enjoyed, was as much of an act for me as pretending to be male had been. The damage to my confidence was intense.
But by discarding the dangerous notion that what other transwomen thought and did was naturally going to be right for me as well, I found my niche.
Finally, I decided to just be myself, and I am much happier this way.... :-)
You will find your place.
Hugs
chrissie
xxxx
Post a Comment