New Year

Quite a bit has happened recently so I feel the need to document it before I forget all about it...

Parents
With the snow making travel impossible for them over Christmas, my parents arrived on Wednesday to celebrate a belated Christmas with us.
Things got off to a very nice start when my parents presented me with a necklace once owned by great grandma Jenny (who my middle name is taken from) and some photos so I knew what she looked like. I was very touched by this gesture. Thanks mum and dad! xxx
Then, having missed the first day of Christmas, we swapped pressies on the last day of Christmas - Thursday (which, apparently, is a Spanish tradition). I got some perfume, a M&S token, and lots of stocking fillers. John got stocking fillers plus some Thornton's chocolates and a Sainsbury's token.
My parents also accompanied me to my laser session on Friday but only so they could have a look around Bury for old times sake! On the way there it started snowing and I had visions of us having to spend the weekend in Bury - which would've been just typical considering the trouble the snow had already caused us! - but it soon passed and we were able to return home to the safe and warm. :-)
Then yesterday we had our Christmas dinner - roast venison in a wine and redcurrant sauce with veg (sprouts obligatory of course!) and Christmas pud and rum sauce to follow. It was absolutely scrummy and well worth the two week wait... even though I had to cook it all myself! (With John's supervision)
They've returned home today, though, and I had to go to work before they were up so we said our farewells last night. Ah well, it was fun whilst it lasted!

TREC
On Saturday I was given a lift to TREC by my good friend, Jayne. Things seem to be very up in the air with TREC at the moment and I think it's beginning to have a knock-on effect as only a handful of us were there on Saturday.
The schedule wasn't entirely inspiring either so I only really fancied the music group and, here again, the 'leader' of the group was only given two days notice so she wasn't really able to prepare properly. However, she did an admirable job I think as I enjoyed it quite a bit. For the lesson itself, we stuck to the basics and just got used to making music together and being in time with the beat. It's the first time I've ever done anything like that - despite all the music I've made on the computer - so I found it very valuable. And the silliness of the session also made it good fun! :-)
However, neither Jayne nor I fancied anything on the afternoon schedule so we went shopping. First stop though was Wagamama (a Japanese restaurant) for lunch. I had chicken raman (I think it's called!) which was chicken and noodles in a soup base and Jayne ordered some duck pastries and crispy prawns (the proper names escape me!) as sides. It was all very delicious! I was also able to practice my chopstick skills some more and I think I'm beginning to get the hang of them now! :-)
Then we went shopping and made our way through the Arndale taking in M&S, River Island and New Look (amongst others) before finding it too stuffy and making our way out to the high street for some fresh air... where we took in H&M, Schuh and Primark (amongst even more!). I had to give up on looking for a new jacket though as I couldn't find a size big enough to go around my middle... and when even a size 20 doesn't fit then it really is time to give up!
After that we retired to Taurus for a drink and supper - chicken in a basket for me, chicken piri piri sarnie for Jayne - and then around to Via for another drink before calling it a night.
On arriving home, Jayne popped in for a coffee (note to self: must learn social norms in regard to inviting people in for coffee!) and then my parents arrived back from a day visiting my aunt and so we all had a jolly good chin wag before Jayne returned home.
So, all in all, it was another jolly good day out! :-)

Transition
I think, on the whole, my transition has been progressing well. There are, though, some difficulties and these are they...
I've found I'm being accepted as female (i.e. not as a 'tranny') more and more these days. The first notable one was when I went to pay at the car park in town and the second was when I paid the toll for the Mersey tunnel.
Being me, I looked for reasons as to why this might've happened and, as both the car park and tunnel attendants were in kiosks, I put it down to the fact that they couldn't see properly because of the kiosk! But then I was paying for the groceries at the supermarket and the assistant there accepted me as female and then another time at the checkouts the person behind accepted me as female and even called me "flower"! It quite made my day (on all occasions) but now I find I'm terrified of prolonging contact afterwards for fear they suddenly go "Oh, crap! You're a bloke!". It's my problem obviously but as to what I do to get over it, hmmm... it might take some time!
Another fly in the ointment is my name - or, rather, being called the wrong name and/or gender. I'm not gonna berate anyone for not trying - because they do try! - but people get it wrong too often for my liking. It's not deliberate, so for that I should be grateful, but it is depressing when you're trying to transition to have the rug regularly pulled out from under you by people getting it wrong.
Then there is the subject of my voice and "deportment". This is a big hindrance to my confidence and a factor in my fear of conversation with the public (particularly when they're being nice to me!). As much as I might think I am female and look like a female, what comes out my mouth aint female! And 'body language' is another factor. It's a lot to relearn so that I fit in and don't feel so blokey. Thankfully, though, I shall begin lessons in these subjects as of next week courtesy of the NHS (one of the few decent things I've got out of them recently!) so maybe I'll start to improve and not feel like a turd on the carpet.
The biggest hindrance to my transition, though, is my referral to a GIC. This has been because of the incompetence of the doctor handling my case and so I was forced to make a complaint before Christmas. Thankfully, it had the desired effect and the doctor has taken his finger out his bottom and actually made a start on the paperwork. However, I am still in his hands and the referral has, as far as I'm aware, yet to happen. Thusly, I shall be chasing this again now that people should be back at work after the Christmas break and I'll hopefully get the help I need.

Gremlins

Thanks to a recommendation from a Facebook friend, the book I am currently reading is called Taming Your Gremlin. It's about how to tame that inner voice - the gremlin - that constantly tells us how crap we are and makes us feel miserable and useless. I've not read very much of it so far, and I'm having to take it slowly so that I absorb it properly, but already I can feel it helping and now, when I feel my gremlin getting at me, I say to myself "Hello Gremlin!" and, even if it does sound daft, it does help. :-)
The book also suggests personalising your gremlin and I envision mine to look like a miniature version of the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang but with a personality of a drill instructor on and on at me all the time! Totally relentless!! I also believe it to be totally paranoid and maxed out on caffeine so that it's constantly telling me to wake up and be alert and not miss a single beat that is happening anywhere! Which could explain why I have such difficulty concentrating on just one thing - especially if it's people talking - and why I find doing nothing almost impossible! I become distracted very easily. And it could also explain why I'm always tired (though the hours I work might also have something to do with that!).
Fortunately, the book has given me a couple of techniques on how to 'centre' myself so that I'm in the here and now which has also made me realise that I don't think I've been in the here and now for a very long time! It really does feel like a very new experience for me! I've been able to enjoy some simple pleasures such as feeling my fingers or hearing just the one conversation. Doing so has brought new feelings of relaxation and joy to me which can only be a good thing!
But I'll tell you the best thing - in just four chapters I've realised the following truth...
I always knew I didn't care too much for people's opinions and that is why I was able to transition with a certain amount of lack of concern. But, sadly, the overriding emotion was a negative one. It wasn't because I liked myself no matter what anyone else thought - it was because I didn't like myself regardless of what anyone else thought! So if someone liked me, I would overrule them! I didn't believe I was someone to be liked!
So I ended up asking myself the following question:
"What is there to dislike?"
And my gremlin popped in with the response "Because you're useless!" but, because of what I'd read in the book, I was able to recognise this for what it was - a total lie! I am not useless!
And so my honest, heartfelt, answer to the question (after weeding out the gremlin's interference) "What is there to dislike?" is...
"I don't know. I'm not sure there is anything to really dislike."
Not a bad note to end on, don't you think? ;-)

A Weekend In Winter

It's been a while since I posted and that is largely because I'm lazy and can not be bothered. Some things happened during that time and other things didn't. So moving on to recent times...
On Friday, after waiting for John to get back from the doctors, I set off for Llandudno for Unique's Winter Weekend. Trying out the satnav for the first time, I plugged in the destination and set off presuming it would take me the most logical way - down the M6 and across. However, as things transpired it didn't happen that way! The first problem is that our close is obviously in a blackspot and so the satnav told me to turn left when I was expecting to turn right. Being a trusting person, I presumed that this was correct and filled with curiosity and promise of a short cut to the motorway I hadn't discovered in the three years I've lived there, I followed it's instructions... and I ended up going through Liverpool and the Mersey Tunnel(s) to Birkinhead and then down from there along the coastline to Llandudno! Not exactly the route I had expected! To make matters worse, the satnav's maps are obviously not up to date and so it was telling me about roundabouts that weren't there and vise versa and doesn't seem to like suggesting doing u-turns and so I ended up taking quite a few unexpected detours! But I got there in the end!
As coincidence would have it, Jayne was in the lobby as I arrived and very kindly helped me with the bags from the car and I booked in and then we both carried my stuff up to my room. Then Jayne departed and left me to unpack.
It was rather a pokey little room more of the quality I would expect at a B&B rather than a hotel and the ensuite showerroom was even smaller! But a rather cute teddy bear was there waiting for me on the bed which instantly brightened my mood! Sadly, he was £26 to adopt and so I couldn't afford to take him home with me but I shall remember our time together fondly. :-) I also should mention that, as it transpired, my bed was surprisingly comfy and I slept well in it (with the exception of my body clock still set to work hours - i.e. waking up at 5.30 am each morning!) - but my tv was not so accommodating and had to be fixed before I could watch anything on it (which I didn't in the end, it was such a fully packed weekend!).
So, after unpacking, I went and joined Jayne in the "Garden room" which is where I met Jasmine for the first time. In times gone past polite people may've described Jasmine as "a character"... but the rude ones would probably have settled for "a loony"! You see, it's Jasmine's penchant to dress in fancy dress all the time and so, when I first met her, she was dressed as a flower - a "daft-odil" as she said herself - with bright green bodysuit, yellow trainers and a daffodil headdress! So, as you might imagine, Jasmine is not exactly shy and retiring and is full of good humour. So we sat in the "Garden room" for a while with a few of the others and had a chat. Sadly though, the conversation got a bit 'blokey' and I rapidly lost interest and the final nail in the coffin was when they moved on to the subject of race. So I made my excuses and retired to my room to prepare myself for the evening buffet.

Jasmine and I at the buffet. © Jayne Morose 2010

For the evening buffet I wore my black top I bought on Bury market with the tidy trousers I bought from M&S and accompanied it with my tidy work shoes (which were from M&S also). I styled my hair as Penny had shown me back in the summer and did my makeup. I think I looked rather elegant and Gillian, at least, seemed to like how I'd done my hair. :-)
The buffet itself was very tasty but the selection was rather limited I thought and slightly bizarre to do one side salad and on the other side baked spuds with baked beans and cheese as they don't really go together do they! For desert they offered cheesecake and gateaux but, again, it was rather thin on the ground and so I felt obliged to only have a thin slice of each and there definitely wasn't any left when I was thinking about having seconds!
After the buffet we moved into the bar for the disco. This was when I first found out the bar prices in the hotel - and they weren't cheap! (But probably standard for a hotel, as I believe hotel bars are notoriously expensive). Anyway, the disco was quite entertaining - for the wrong reasons! I enjoyed the music but, clearly, it wasn't to everyone's tastes and it seemed that whenever people took to the floor Debbi would put a different style of music on and it would instantly clear again! Lol! Then, at about 11.30pm, I was tired and headed off to bed.
As previously mentioned, my bodyclock was still set to working hours, and so I awoke at 5.30am. Not wanting to sit in bed reading my magazine and thereby getting a stiff neck, I had a shower and went out for a walk at about 6.30am with my camera with the intention of taking photos of the christmas lights.

One of the photos I took of Llandudno in the dark

I headed down to the bay first though and took a couple of pictures - some came out quite well, others most definitely didn't! Then I headed into the centre to take photos of the lights... except there weren't any! Obviously, with all the cutbacks, the council was being miserly and running them on a timer and so they weren't all switched on yet! Not to worry, I took photos of what there was and said good morning to the street cleaner as he passed. :-) I then headed back to the hotel and took a few photos of it bathed in it's ambient lighting but by then I was shaking too much to get more than one decent photo. So I went back into the hotel just after they unlocked the front door and headed back off to my room to prepare for breakfast.
At 8.30am I joined the others for breakfast and had some Weetabix and porridge. Jasmine joined us but this time was dressed boringly (for her!) in a pink bodysuit which she could zip all the way up - and I do mean all the way up!
After breakfast, I retired to my room for a bit before joining Gwen and Jayne for a bit of shopping. We had a good wander around all the shops and I found a cute little pink dragon which I got as a souvenir for John. I also found 3 sets of earrings and was treated to two mince pies and pot of tea by Gwen. The mince pies had meringue on top, instead of pastry, and were absolutely yummy! :-)
At lunch time I had a very brief natter with John on the mobile and was relieved to hear that he was doing OK. I do tend to worry about him these days with him being in such bad health - which probably gets on his nerves, me fussing over him! But I love the swine so what can I do?!!
After our wander around town we headed back to the hotel and Gwen retired to her room to recuperate whilst Jayne went into the bar and ordered their lunch where I joined her after depositing my stuff in my room. I joined in with them on the sandwiches and had prawn cocktail ones which, perversely enough, was quite a generous helping! (Why are they generous with the sarnies and skimpy on the main meals?? Something needs to be addressed here methinks!)
Then, whilst we were sat in the bar, Debbi put a film on - Different For Girls - which wasn't exactly a 'feel good' movie and it's just as well I'm not on the hormones yet cos I was teary enough as it was after watching that! I don't regret watching the movie though cos I found it therapeutic and it helped me to begin to address some stuff I've been avoiding.
After the movie I retired to my room for a bit before I found Penny for my makeover in preparation for the Gala meal.
Before the weekend I'd contacted Penny about my makeover and sent her a piccie of the dress I was gonna wear with the instruction that I wanted to look glam and make people's jaws drop (in a good way!). Penny was kind enough to suggest accessories for the dress and, when I went for my makeover, she set to work doing my make-up and hair. And she achieved my ambitions and then some! I looked - and felt - absolutely stunning! I really can't thank her enough for making that possible for me! Forget Jimmy Saville - book Penny to make your dreams come true! :-)

Ready for the Gala meal © Claire Rice 2010

So, yes, when I came down for the Gala meal I got a very good reception off everybody and they all said how glamorous I looked which really put me on cloud 9! :-)
For the meal they'd organised us into tables with a member of the Unique committee on each table. The table was very well decorated but, because of the candelabra in the middle, I couldn't actually see Debbi on the other side!
For the meal we'd been asked to order well in advance and so it was very handy that each table had a print out of what we'd ordered on it to remind us! I started with melon, followed with sorbet, turkey for my mains and finished it off with a welsh cheeseboard. Everything was very tasty (apart from the cheese - but, then, John and I are used to VERY strong tasting cheese so I suppose anything else would be bland in comparison!) but again I thought the servings were skimpy, if very well presented.
However, the main disaster of the meal happened to Gillian when the waiter accidentally spilled a glass of red wine over her and her dress! Obviously, it was an accident and the waiter couldn't have been more apologetic but the clean-up was really very badly done with none of the staff seeming to know what to do! Matters were made worse when the manager then asked Gillian if there was a problem when she complained to him when, if he opened his eyes, he could clearly see there was a problem and then some!
Afterwards I discovered that Gillian wasn't the only victim at the Gala meal as Jennifer had a load of cuttlery tipped over her as well! So, in retrospect, it seems the manager may have employed his staff from Zippo's Circus that night!
So, anyway, on with the story...

Playing at being a DJ. © Jayne Morose 2010

After the meal we moved into the bar for the night's entertainment. This time we had a singer, Leann, who was an excellent entertainer and I enjoyed her between song 'patter' just as much as her singing! Then there was a brief disco before Debbi came over and asked me to be DJ - another dream come true! Except I managed to clear the bar in just one song! And it wasn't anything terribly exotic either (I was discouraged from that!), just Duran Duran's Rio! But I didn't let the fact that no one was dancing - or even in the bar sometimes! - put me off and continued on regardless with some Police, The Who, Elvis and various others and I was waiting for Gwen and Jayne to come back so I could slip in some Metallica whilst no one was paying any attention but, when Jayne did come back, it was to tell me they were going to bed! It was then that I looked at the time and saw that it was 1am! How time flies when you're having fun!! Lol!
So I went off to my bed shortly after - after I'd loaded another bunch of songs into the machine to give Debbi plenty of time to come and take over - and apparently they continued on until 3am! I've no idea whether Debbi managed to get anyone back on the dancefloor or not though! I fear I may very well have been the kiss of death!
I managed to sleep in until 7am on Sunday so I guess there's some advantage to staying up so late! Lol! And after having my shower and doing my makeup I joined the others for breakfast.
I think the girl who was doing the breakfast that morning must've been new - or perhaps just very forgetful - cos she kept on getting the orders wrong and coming back with plates of food that no one had ordered! It was quite farcical really! Anyway, after breakfast, I went back to my room and finished packing before coming down to pay my bar bill which, the amount of which, shall remain censored for reasons of modesty. ...Oh, the shame! Lol!
Then I borrowed a pen from the reception and filled in my feedback form...
Afterwards, I took the stuff out to the car and Gillian and Jayne dashed down to say goodbye - the mad fools! I'm seeing them again only next weekend!
So, after saying my goodbyes, it was back to the car and the satnav. This time I wanted to go via a petrol station so I managed to key that in to the route but I didn't just presume that it was gonna take me the way I wanted to go and zoomed out so I could see the route in full... and, sure enough, it was taking me through the Mersey tunnel(s) again! But I had no idea how to change it so just thought "sod it" and set off. I didn't quite have as many problems with it as I did on the way down but, even so, I still managed a few wrong turns and found non-existent roundabouts and if I ever find out why it kept on bonging at me all the better! (To quote my mum: "Stupid machine!")
So a few hours later I arrived home into the loving arms of my husband. :-)
It was a truly unforgettable weekend... not always for the right reasons... but I still had a lot of fun and I look forward to doing it all again next year... well, almost all of it! It would be preferable without the calamities next time! :-)

I Don't Like Mondays... Or Wednesdays... But Fridays And Saturdays Are Quite Fun!

My week didn't start very well on Monday. I arrived at work only to discover I'd forgot my pass so couldn't drive into the car park (where I have a reserved space no less!) and park. So I went to one of the other ones and phoned into the office. My boss answered and told me by stroke of good fortune that my brand new shiney pass was ready and all I had to do was go up to security and pick it up and problem solved! So I went and collected it, hopped back in the car and drove around to the main gate again... only to discover that my pass wasn't activated yet!!
So I went and parked up and walked in where I bumped into one of the security men who'd seen my car on the CCTV and gone to investigate. So he promised to let me in if I drove back up to the gate again - which he did.
But my pass still wasn't activated and so I had to borrow Chris's pass when I went to breakfast for my teacake from our lovely new canteen (which is self-service for breakfast). My teacake then proceeded to get stuck in the toaster and smoke was pouring out and everything and every time I tried to prod it out it just crumbled! So I had one rather burnt teacake for my breakfast!!
Then just as I thought I'd had my fair share of bad luck for the day I was forced to remember that bad luck always comes in threes when one of the big wigs came in and informed me that I'd let the MEN go with the wrong "slug" on it so it said the "Main" edition instead of the "Home"! So that was several thousand copies down the pan!
And I'd only been at work three hours!! What a day!
Thankfully Tuesday went uneventfully - or "boring", depending on your perspective - and so did Wednesday... until I got home and realised I'd left my phone and wallet at work! And of course I couldn't ring the office or any of my work colleagues cos the numbers were in my phone! So I tried ringing the switchboard but just got a recorded message to ring after 9am which was a fat lot of good! So I tried ringing my mobile in hope that someone would answer it so I could tell them to put it somewhere safe until the morning but no one answered it so that was useless too! So I then tried contacting the wife of one of my colleagues via Facebook in hope she'd read it and get him to give me the office's number or phone in himself but she obviously didn't go online that night so that failed too!
So I had no other option but to chance my fate and hope it'd still be there in the morning. And thankfully it was! Phew!
The rest of Thursday was rather uneventful - or "boring" etc... but on Friday John and I went shopping (once John had finally got his act together - he's really not well, the poor man!) at The Trafford Centre.
We were looking for a Christmas cake with royal icing and plenty of alcohol in it - not as easy as you might think! I'd already looked in Morrison's and Tesco's and turned out empty handed so I'm now resulting to looking in places like Marks & Sparks (no good), John Lewis (one very expensive cake) and Selfridges (also just the one very expensive cake). So next stop will be Sainsbury's and if we don't find one there I think we're just gonna have to go without cos I'm out of ideas! It's only fattening anyway and I don't need fattening up any further that's for sure!
One thing I did manage to find at M&S though was a nice cardi which will keep me nice and snug this winter! :-)
We also had a look for Christmas cakes in BHS but that was hopeless too and John didn't have any luck finding himself a dressing gown there either but I did manage to find two long sleeve tops and a new pair of slippers which John very kindly treated me to! :-)
So that was Friday.

The lovely Judith and I. © Jayne

On Saturday I went to TREC (picking Jayne, Gwen and Gillian up along the way) where I started off joining in the self-defence lesson given by Gavin. It was very useful and certainly an interesting experience being strangled and so on. :-) Then, after that, we went to the Samsi for lunch where I treated myself to a luxury o bento of karage chicken, teryaki salmon and mixed tempura. It was lovely and I shall definitely remember to have it again! I also got a bit better at using chop sticks which was an added bonus! :-)
Then, after lunch, Jayne and I had hoped to join Penny for her beauty workshop but she'd cut it short to join in with the party (it was TREC's 1st birthday) so we had a look in at the party as well but it wasn't to our taste so we went shopping.
First port of call was a shop I'd seen in the paper which I'd liked the concept of - it takes second hand clothing and redesigns them before flogging them back to the general public - but sadly it lived up to it's name, The Junk Shop, a little more than I'd hoped for!
So then we went around to Afflecks Palace for a browse where I bought myself a bracelet and then we wandered into the Arndale Centre but we didn't do much more than drop our jaws at the ridiculous prices of things!
So then it was time for tea and so we joined the others at The Shang Hi as usual but, when we got there, there was no room to be seen at the table so we went and found a table by ourselves which seemed to cause some offense or difficulty or something! And we were told to join the others where they'd all been forced to squeeze up into space where there wasn't really any. Anyway, as it happened, I wasn't feeling very hungry anyway (probably due to the luxury o bento I'd had at lunch time) and ended up just having the duck pancakes, some starters and then a couple of scoops of ice cream for pudding - a rather expensive do for £10.50! Not that I was really complaining - it's all horses for courses as far as I'm concerned.

A picture of the gang at Via, Canal St, Mancs. © Jayne

Then as Penny had wanted to let her hair down (like we needed any excuse!) we went into Canal Street for a few drinks and it'd got to 10pm before they started to turn the music up and I decided enough was enough and called it a night.
So it was back in the car and back home, via Southport and Tarleton to drop off the others, and I got home by about midnight I think and was in bed by 1am.
So, all in all, one of my more eventful weeks. Thank goodness I have tomorrow off to recover! :-)
P.S. Having Remembrance Day and Remembrance Sunday this week my playlist is The Best Of Silence. Click here to listen: http://www.we7.com/#/user/view-playlist!playlistId=1459942&m=fb